Very Very Funny Jokes
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
Norman is 89 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago. One day he arrives home upset. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball I can’t see where the dang thing goes.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one last try.”
“That’s a terrible idea” says Norman, “your brother’s 102 years old. How could he help?”
“He may be 102 years old”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
Norman figured he’d give it a try So the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.
“Where did it go?” says Norman.
“Where did what go? Do I know you?”
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
Job interview in a psychiatry:
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
Very good, the job is yours.
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, “Grandpa’s gonna pay the bill.”
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineering graduate said, “In the range of $100,000 – 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The HR person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a brand new BMW?”
The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.” ???
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches. ???
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing! ???
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’ ???
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!” ???
Little Johnny asks his father:
“Where does the wind come from?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do dogs bark?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why is the earth round?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does it disturb you that I ask so much?”
“No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.” ???